big & SMALL

Thanks to everyone who was worried about me and has been praying. It's been a crazy few weeks!

I definitely feel COVERED in prayer and support. From the random phone calls and texts to see how I am, to the silent prayers whispered at any moment. I appreciate you and your love!! 

Things are coming together with assignment, I am now the tawashie boss which is totally different (overseeing 10 girls vs. 4) but I've done that job before and love the challenge of it, in a comfortable way haha. Who doesn't want to say "you missed a spot" to 10 high school girls for 3 weeks. I envy your prayers. Seriously it can be a reallllly tough job, I know, I did it. Bring on the obnoxious cheers and creative ways to inspire girls to clean with excellence for Jesus!

I'm in a place of smallness in His bigness. I am humbled by my sin and depravity. In the ways my job has kept me remembering that I am guilty of laziness and lack of concentration, to the fear that I am not "needed" in the local high school club. The lie that "you don't belong anywhere" has been a loud voice echoing in my ears the last few months. In those ways I find myself cowering in the corner, wimpering for some validation, some hope that there is a Heavenly Father who cares enough to pick up my chin, glare at me with eyes that scream "I adore you and have MUCH for you." 

I've struggled with anger of "why do things work out for other people quicker and yet I'm here, still waiting." I question God's plan for me when I honestly feel forgotten. Am I really that screwed up that I have that much to improve on before you'll give me an answer?

I feel like God has been pruning me. Readying me. For something bigger. Bigger then myself, bigger then my thoughts. But it's scary. 

I worry.

But then I have days like today where I wake up refreshed and revived. Like I could run a marathon or climb a mountain. I feel His love, His adoration, His promise. I trust His will, His Word and His Character. I believe I am a child of God, His beloved. Like I can walk in confidence and soar without fear because I have a God who loves me that much. 

One of my friends recently told me "when change comes, I know it must be God. I had to stop fighting it." 

With all the change coming into my life right now I have to believe it's God. Even if it hurts, even if its uncomfortable. I really don't know what my life will look like even in two months. There is a lot of unknowns. A LOT of unknowns. Like a lot. And I'm finding His design in my smallness. That in my smallness comes His bigness. And His glory. And I, well, I'm His Glory. 

Gosh that's hard to type. I just go chills. My mind instantly says "no ... no. not i." as my eyes shift downwards and my head starts to droop. 

Then I feel His hand on my chin. Lifting my eyes to lock with His. I suddenly have no choice but to give it back. Give back all the insecurity, all the lies, all the doubt and worry. Because He doesn't see my sin. He sees my GLORY.