Church Girl

I have a confession.

I'm a church girl.

• I memorized scripture only to get donuts.
• I went to youth group for a boy.
• I delivered food to poor families, rang the doorbell and hid behind the bushes.
• I went to small group because I knew all the right answers.
• I asked people to pray for my aunt to stop smoking.
• I set a good example for my siblings because I wore a WWJD bracelet
• I did dramas in the streets of eastern europe in hopes that the local people would repent
• I read my bible everyday
• I went to purity conferences
• I didn't date in middle school or high school
• I obeyed my parents
• I did my homework
• I went to church faithfully
• I led worship in youth group
• I forgive and ask for forgiveness
• My name is engraved on my bible
• I befriended the shy, sad girls who didn't have friends
• I stopped listening to secular music 
• I don't watch MTV
• I don't swear
• and on and on and on the list goes ...

I'm a church girl.

I did things that were "right" and "good". Why? Because that's what I thought it meant to be a "good christian". Believe me, I was the best there was. Never been kissed? Really close with my family? Reads her bible EVERYDAY? Wow, Jesus must really love that Hailey girl.

Yup. That's what I thought. 

I'm ashamed now to reflect on that girl. Because you know what? Who I was inside did not align with who i was on the outside. 

And honestly, I struggle everyday with the voice of legalism. It's so much easier to "follow the rules" to live my life giving everything I've got to "deserve" this kind of Love. I still believe the lie that God thinks differently of me when I 

• miss church
• don't read His Word often
• don't follow up with YL girls
• say something mean to my sister
• disrespect my parents
• etc etc etc

I like to think I believe in grace, but in reality I probably believe in it part-time. When it applies to me and people I love, yes Lord rain down your grace. But when it comes to people who have really messed up, really dishonored themselves and God .... ya maybe not so much. 

How does one live in the humility of being a sinner and yet walk confidently in the truth that we are His glory, His chosen, made in His image!? 

I have issues and I'm finally coming to terms with the reality of them. More days then not, I am the older brother in the story of the Prodigal son. My attempts at deserving the Father's love actually alienate me from my Father and when the lost son return I throw a fit that I wasn't noticed.

Father forgive me, restore me. Heal me and carry me to be believe I belong to you regardless of what I do or don't do.