Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13 has a whole new meaning to me these days. I heard a song where they recite all of 1 Corinthians 13 and it reminded me how much I need to read it again. I have been amazed by the ways God reminds me of His love for me though Brit. It is a constant humbling to live life along side a human who I choose to love and at the same time balance the fear of exposing my true sin nature. The fear of vulnerability and weakness is deafening sometimes. You learn things about yourself that you hate. When someone is watching so closely, it's frustrating to come to terms with who you are and the selfishness of our fallen nature. I told Brit the other day, "stop caring and just ignore me for a while." I said that because it's not always easy having someone there to see you in your crap. It's uncomfortable because there's this sudden realization of how that must look on the outside. And the ugliness of it. Sometimes I just need to live in a funk. But Brit is faithful in the ways he wants to see me experience joy and freedom. Everyday. To talk through the issues, the hard-pressing burdens on my heart.
The same with my Heavenly Lover. Who wants to adorn me in Truth and promise. Who wants to see me shine in His glory. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how incredible it is to have a person, not related to you say "I love you" because he chooses to love the good and bad in me. But then I remember, the Creator of ALL loves me too .... times a million katrillion. I simply can not fathom that kind of Love. And Everyday He wants to remind me, He wants to speak that promise "I love you" in my ear. I fight it. Everyday. Because honestly, I don't deserve it! I don't deserve that kind of love. So it's easier to resist, to turn my ear away and smirk. "uh huh, ya, cool, that's nice." But those words penetrate my heart. It bothers me that it's so hard to live in that truth-TO BELIEVE.
Brit and I went to water world this weekend with my family and some of our friends. We spend the day noticing people's tattoos and they ways they choose to promote certain things permanently on their bodies. We were in line behind this girl for a long time and she had this spray on tattoo that said "believe". The whole time we were standing there Brit would randomly lean over to me and whisper in my ear "believe" in kind of funny-making-fun-of tone. I would giggle every time at the ridiculousness of his repetition.
I think God does the same thing to us.
Somedays we're more receptive then others. Sometimes we let our guilt and shame shield us from hearing and receiving forgiveness. I let my emotion get in the way of believing truth daily. If I don't "feel" deserving of His love, I won't live in it. And yet He whispers ...
"Believe I love you."
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