Beyond Me

This weekend has been so hard. I swear, being a Young Life leader is one of the most difficult things I have faced. Take that with a grain of salt. I know there is MUCH more difficult things to face, a lot of which my girls are facing. And me, watching from nearby and walking alongside them is what makes it difficult for me.

My heart has been heavy for going on 4 days. And while that is not healthy for me, I am carrying a burden for one of my most dear YL girls. I won't go into detail but this girl has had "hard times" handed to her on a platter. And she is on the verge of making a decision that will heighten her pain and her deep sorrow. Finding my place in that is one of the hardest things I have faced.

I am determined to love her. If anything that is the number 1 thing God has called me to in her life. I plan to be at graduation, her college years, her marriage, etc etc. I'm sticking it out with her. I remember walking up to her as a 6th grader, shy little girl and the Lord whispering "you will know her for a long time."

She is at a point where she is determining what life will look like and how relationships will look. She is at a point of choosing her own way vs. the Lord's way. She knows Jesus but truly could care less. What she tells me and what she does do not align and that is what tears me apart.

How do I share truth in love when she's beyond receiving it? How do I relate and respond in a way that will make her still see a need for me to be in her life? How am I the one person she called when her brother was dying in the hospital and yet she refuses to let me in on major decisions she is making, even now?

She is hurting so much. I have begged, sobbed, cried out for this girl. I have spent days, literally, mourning over this girl. For her salvation, her purity, her purpose and her hope. I have loved her for 5 years. And right now. Right now, it feels worthless. Right now, it feels like all the laughs, all the tears, all the life lived with this girl, have meant nothing. I know it's not true. I know. But, it feels so hard right now. I believe God is mighty to save. I believe He will bring beauty from so many ashes. I believe it. I see victory and redemption in her life. I believe and desire SO MANY THINGS for this precious, dear friend. And yet. She wastes away. She withers away into sin, into loneliness, into depravity.

And that's her choice. And that's a choice God gives us.

Oh how His heart breaks for us.